We were cordial, didnt say much to eachother. For two months I acted controlled and transparent. You are free to make your own decision. Thats the only time it felt like maybe he was seeing things clearly, and then that quickly went away. and she helps a lot. Just letting you know I know when things dont add up. She had cheated on her husband with this man who already had a partner. Me, almost five months, passed already. I would just say ok to him b/c I knew I could not change his mind. Started as EA but became more than that. Some days feel good, and some days feel like absolute torture, and I dont know if its in my head and I make it worse by getting in a weird mood, or what. Leave your comments, experiences, advice, etc. For you I dont know how to get you out of limbo except 180. Im hoping that today and yesterday feel SO awful bc he is out of town and its just making me crazy, I am hoping once he is back in town I will not feel this horrible. I am DETERMINED to be happy with or without him, but I would be MUCH HAPPIER with him. Sad to say. Linda: A lot of the experts caution that even though you do come back, does the betrayed spouse want you back? Thats the part that stays unforgivable. Even though he kept telling me how great our marriage was and how happy he was he asked for a divorce. I just dont know how much longer this can last. You need to be prepared b/c you have a baby. Until DDay2 and I found his A continued. But maybe im wrong. He said he didnt want a D. He said he was confused. I need to give him his freedom and show him im ok giving him that freedom, but then I have moments where I feel like im being walked all over. Here we are almost 9 years later and its like he has completely forgotten who I am, and I am finding it hard to be myself when I feel like im losing a limb. But no matter what I dare say your H is a coward. But im SO sick of just trying to be so happy and so upbeat all the time around him. It is important to have your $ in order, your paperwork in order, access to all financial records, bank accounts in your name alone so you have $ without having to rely on him. This was the day after he told me that he wants to come back to bursa, that he never intended to leave here and go to her. Second / I put up with his disrespect far too long. It is up to him to decide. I learned you cannot help anyone who will not help themselves. I dont even know why. He said he doesnt know why I keep thinking that but that I am wrong. Nothing you said or did can justify or excuse him running to OW. I have a close friend that cheated and is not 18 months post him coming clean and his wife calling it quits. But God forbid he ever try to prove me wrong. So I had the same issue with two people in my household at the same time!!! Prayers to you for all that you have suffered. I feel like this was the best move for me right now. I have always been the one person in his life thats a complete constant. I told him on a few occasions I am not standing in your way. Its just rude, and he knows that, but he twists it all up and justifies everything he does. And I laugh b/c he is controlling YOU but puts the blame on you. Im working out, im a great new mom, im getting in great shape and everyone is noticing, and hes waking up most mornings hungover. He fantasized about escape. Sometimes I feel very positive. Your email address will not be published. We have young children I know his affair started due to lack of attention becoming frustrating he is putting this woman before his kids. And he would swear its me. Linda: No, and the consistency. I wish I had walked out in the first 60 to 90 days of his online obsession affair with someone else. I am telling you this to help you avoid the six months of hell I put myself through thinking I knew my H well enough to fix the situation, end the A and reconcile. Our life stayed secure. If I had that knowledge on D-day, I might have behaved differently but then again the SHOCK OF DISCOVERY is overwhelming. He swears he has no contact with the other woman anymore and that none of this is about her. Yes it might be indeed. I KNOW in my heart he shouldnt be here. Just know you cannot change him. Knowing what I know now, things would have been very very different. But then Ive read that right now we should be friends again and build a new relationshipI know im rambling, I just feel good that you said you think im handling this well now and what im doing is the best thing I can be doing for now. Because of 2 abortions and now too old to have babies realisation that she will never be a mum had hit home. No yelling. And Im not saying my confrontation w/my H stopped his A at DDay2. At age 47, after years of struggling to find security in academia, he had received tenure. The term the fog can be described as being similar to being brain washed. Why not back when I was DESPERATE to fix it instead of completely ambivalent? Divorce. I dont understand it. Youre absolutely right. There are all kinds of repercussions for these things, and none of them are really good. I feel like he is just going on with his days totally fine. Its crazy, some days I feel SO good, and some days I feel SO awful. Honestly, I tried to even make it a better life than what we had. If he cannot see the disrespect well then you dont need a second child to raise. It may not be in every case. They both state no sex but I dont believe it. I am having SUCH a horrific day today. Everybodys got to realize that no matter what you try, more than likelyits not going to happen right away. Anyway, we got back together, he proposed to me, I said yes (I just thought the wedding wouldnt be right away and we would resolve our issues before the wedding). We had just gone to a workshop for troubled marriages thru our church at the beginning of December and celebrated our 25th anniversary in October. He took advantage one time too many. He was kicking me to the curb but when I asked him to leave he realized I was out of patience. And its these thoughts that deter me from the 180, bc when I have thoughts like this I just want to tell him he should go. Nothing penetrates the fog. I have been told to blame my husband not the OW. When theyre addicted to it like you said, can ANYTHING help them come out of it? And he says as a wife to get your husband back you have to be loving but not a doormat and respected but not mean. At the time it was happening, his growing disconnection from me and lack of empathy for years makes me believe he just intended to stonewall and ignore it as long as necessary, thinking Id let it go. And I feel like my value just decreases for him everyday we continue living together in a way. Last night he went out with friends after work and came home very late and I was irritate but tried to just let it go. There is very little the spouse can do to change the cheater during the fog. When they come for you, tell them the marriage no longer meets your requirements and shut the door in their face. But then again most Betrayed Spouses are destroyed and devastated by the infidelity. Yesterday, he said to me that he had been invited to a concert Saturday night, and I said oh why didnt you go? Which is what happened at DDay2 for me. (Ive told you this so im sure I sound like a broken record) and then I let him come back home and the whole cycle started again of us slowly morphing back into our relationship and he gets scared saying its going too fast and hes afraid everything will go right back to what it was. I would drag this out for some time just to be sure this is what he really wants. I could no longer function under the black cloud of infidelity. Who is this alien life form that has taken over my sweet loving husband who wanted nothing more than to be with me? I very rarely said no to him to being out with his friends without me. But he hasnt mentioned that in a week and just has been staying here. And then went running back to her in the fall. My husband is a liar he has been his whole life . Let him try and shovel that crap now he looks back and admits he was a jerk!!! I do get kind of afraid he is convincing himself im speaking to another man and then he will just get deeper and deeper with OW, or other WOMEN, but I guess thats also something i shouldnt worry about. You are wasting your time. However that should not stop you from insisting he sign some type of an agreement that will have him pay child support for his children for as long as necessary. I only lasted 6 months and I needed to get out. Plan your own social life dont feel obligated to include him in you plans. I need to TRY to just be positive and focus on ME and the baby, and stop focusing EVERY WAKING MOMENT on what hes feeling and how bad this situation feels. Valentines Day he gives me a card apologizing for his lack of emotion, his emptiness, unhappiness, etc. The only thing I can say is that I did not make a fool of myself or start drinking or acting like I was having a midlife crisis. Doubtful your leaving would have stopped the affair. But yet he refused to leave. Is that stupid? I will never be able to control what he does or make him see things the way I am, his perceptions right now are absolutely screwed up. The worst was when I called at some point and one of the secretaries told me that they had gone to lunch. And if there is any contact whatsoever you should not waste your time and energy on her or the marriage right now. Or get him to make a decision. As I said, that is the risk. Come crawling back or find another OW. It blows my MIND. He left very early this morning for work and will be gone for 2 nights working in another city. I mean its not like we ever hug or anything like that, but we chat, we get the baby ready for bed, we sleep in the same bed. Ignore what he tells lowlife losers. I do think its a positive thing that he chooses to come home every night, but I hate that he sleeps on the couch, and i hate that he comes home so late some nights. He works hard every day to make amends. I am assuming he means that I want things to go back to how they were too quickly. If you dont, thats what theyre going to do to you. I have a party for my brother Saturday night, which a year ago, would be an absolute given we would go as a family. Why would she. He finally gets it. You have told him he can be with the other woman all he wants. (I Believe) this has been going on for about 5 months. They want to have fun, enjoy themselves, that AP is the fun and the spouse is work. And honestly, I do understand where hes coming from with some stuff. I never told you I would leave you because you were in an affair. I got the baby in the stroller and I went for a run. One of our problems is he thinks i dont like him going out with friends etc, so I have tried very hard to work on that. And when I get sick and tired of it, I will plan my next move then. He is very selfish. I know I was feeling that way, even though when were together its nice, the minute he would leave I just felt crazy. You are his wife. If would have started preparing my own life, with or without you, and just started doing some things on my ownlike getting finances in order I did start going out with friends a lot more, and I started taking exercise classes. It will bring him up short. You understand that he has made this choice, but unfortunately it is not OK with you. They are just blinded at the moment. He did not appear to be doing anything positive for you or your M. And you just know deep down you know you could have kept your mouth shut for the next six months and he would be coming home @ 2 am more often. If not, you could continue to prolong the fog. I have even pushed our kids, who are angry with my wife for her ongoing affair, to give her extra love out if fear that if she feels unloved that she has no reason to stay. But I LOVE HIM, And I love who he is, and I just dont know where that person is anymore. You need to get him to see that he disrespects you. He has to want it enough to try, and hes DEFINITELY not there yet. Here is a transcribed excerpt from that session. Is sick of me accusing him, said I made him leave the house and hes out and he doesnt care anymore, etc etc. I always felt thats why he was unhappy, because he had to supress his demons for so long. I told him it seems much more like he wants the bar life. Why would I want a man who wants to live the way he is living. Only be upbeat in his presence and show that you are moving on in your life. I have no clue. I win! I couldnt agree more! Sounds like he knows that he is all you have and takes it for granted. We BS call it the cheaters manual b/c the behavior is so darn predictable. Because if he continues to cheat you have financially protected yourself. Its not fair to live this way he is either in or out. You tell him that you have noticed that he is not willing to be a family. Complete disrespect. Or should I try to just not be around him and let him know im mad and skeptical and dont trust him and know I deserve more. I refuse to e his mom and take care of him like I used to. I thought he was on drugs at DDay 2. If he wants it so badly, let him do all the work and make sure he gives you everything you deserve and more. I think he had probably gone to the bar for a drink or 2 which again, I dont mind in moderation, but he was happy and nice. I started to prepare for a divorce. It blew my mind. While your husband may want a divorce, that doesnt mean you do and it doesnt mean you have to just give it to him. I told him thats fine, do what he needs to do and ill sign. When he wasnt home around 45 mins later I said forget this. I would hope he would change his mind, but I just cant beg. I just cant figure out why Im regressing in my emotional state. I proved in a crisis I will be strong and level headed and calm and make good decisions. K. There is nothing you can do. You are not giving him a pass or acting like nothing happened. During the week im usually still awake when he gets home, he will usually get home right before we put the baby down for bed. Sometimes the only thing people understand is a financial impact. Next begins a repeated internal dialog of the rationalizations over and over again in their minds. The damage has been done. My CH knew the affairs were wrong and hurtful, but couldnt see the harm in keeping a young, 20 something friend. (so untrue but whats the point), I said Okay, well YOU DONT, bc youre NOT HERE. I wish someone could boost me up EVERYDAY and tell me like youve got this today. I dont want to live under her thumb. When thats not it at all. But please do not allow this to go on too long. The A fog (the state yiur H is in) will make you crazy. I told him he was free to live with the OW for all I cared I was not stopping him. Asking no questions is good too (and smart). Instead, I was all, Hey babe, so whats going on with you? I was happy he had a brief affair and we were past it and still together. But part of me just puts so many random puzzle pieces together and thinks he is lying. Do not fixate on her the OW. Yesterday he left to go get something he left somewhere. But I keep telling myself just stick it out a little. I dont seem to know how to achieve and stick to ONE thing. How im SO insecure now when I never was before. Then it sticks. I dont know where his head is right now, but clearly were still just cohabitating and not doing anything to get us back on track. First my H proved he was being honest and transparent. Linda: Honestly, this is why its so difficult to pinpoint because most of the time, when you start doing the things like checking the phone records or talking to the [affair partners]husband, what happens is they end up getting more secretive. Do the 180 the best you can for yourself. But i do feel that way. I know it does. After I got back with him he got trust issues which make me furious. I did not mean to imply you should file for D. But know what your options are in the future. Swell.. I bought the book Divorce Busting, and I started reading it last night. And he was in the fog. My H thought I would just take him back after his 3rd time asking for a D in 6 months, leaving me hanging and in limbo and letting me believe we R while he was still cheating. And I get it bc I am exhausted too. Their spouses are acting strangely to say the least. I wish I could control it. It will help you and your marriage. I was shaking I was so angry. 3 months in the relationship he went on a boys trip to paris with his friends. You have done everything. My life has been turned upside down. But wait already did. Not open to discussion. So sorry for you. You are not forgetting. F*ck 40: Lifting the Midlife Fog After Milestone Birthday February 7, 2018by Tobin Walsh The 40thbirthday party my wife threw for me was legendary the next days massive hangover being evidence enough. Im sure he never shed a tear for my pain the pain he deliberately created and caused he was heartbroken at as he put it for ME forcing him to hurt an innocent real good woman ( I explained in detail I am a real good woman my mother and grandmother are REAL GOOD WOMEN and I for one am disgusted and offended and made me want to throw up at his daring to put a serial adultering street walking prostitute in his mind or my life as anywhere near a REAL GOOD WOMAN since we dont cheat and screw other womens husbands his whores all did just that) who did nothing wrong man I was exploding pissed off i told him I was the ONLY innocent GOOD WOMAN he ever had promised GOD to never hurt and him and his whore could hang themselves in hell . Thank you again for sharing your stories! Ive posted an update on another thread as now my husband has said he wants to marry her in the future and have kids with her so I need to divorce him. He is just st the point of no return and the fact he threw in the towel so easily is not a good sign. I said to him that when he met the OW he became a bar rat bc she was a bartender and he went to her bar everyday after work, and now hes doing that same thing at home, just without her involved. All things he may not even think about, but that I OBSESS over now bc I just want him to SEE ME again. unlike the exNOTbestie whore who 4 years later had to act as if she had a right to ever contact any of our family when our son died 6 weeks ago . His phone went off a few times last night when he was asleep and I was VERY tempted to look at it, but I didnt. Fast forward to February 24, 2018 when he told me I love you but Im not in love with you. He got back in town after the 2 days, I am about 95% he was with her, and he came here as soon as he got back and I ALMOST had a meltdown but I walked away and let him spend time with the baby and I went into the bedroom. Whether he is cheating or not is secondary what is most important is that he is not putting the M first. I know I went into a type of shock the day I stumbled onto my husbands EA. Wait and see what happens. He doesnt even see it, he doesnt even see all the things were missing out on as a family bc of him. I fought for our marriage with dignity and respect and with my head held high. He never expected I would call the OW that night (before the D conversation) so I knew he had been cheating. Im willing to do and try just about anything on my end that I can in order to hopefully help him want this marriage again, I just dont want to be disrespected and walked all over and its hard to know if thats happening when I dont know what I can trust., He told me in May (I think it was May) that he admires me when he sees me doing things for myself again and that it reminded him of the woman he fell in love with. I cant prove it and if I go looking ill drive myself insane and thats not fair to me. She denies that she has continued the EA but that she has been in contact with the OM. I sure hope he comes around. He wont hear or acknowledge that he has a problem so hes always out seeking validation from women. I wanted to know if there is a way to contact you via email..? And then he met this OW and everything changed. No kids, no responsibility, party lifestyle etc. And yet I havent even told him about it bc im terrified he will take that as an opportunity to make plans to go see the OW, or go do something else without us, or me inviting him will be turned into me trying to push us right back where we were. He just wanted to be away, and it seems like thats what he is doing now a days again, but thats his decision I guess. But what he doesnt know is that right now I honestly just dont even want him here. Your Plan B may need to be instituted by you. When I wanted to try and talk he refused. ANYWAY I counsel people now, nothing structured but friends and 2nd connections. In that call I told her she was number 15000 she was screaming (he had online pics and smut porn hookups and whatever else he tried to hide) she was nothing special just a nameless faceless whore hole an overused worn out piece of rotten meat I told him he was dead to me he murdered the man I loved to have a whore stroke his ego and his penis . He said a TON of stuff, as did I. Right now he is counting on you being a mess. I regret getting married to him. I wish you could get out of this nightmare somehow. I think thats the part that did the most damage. How do you get past that? You are waiting for him to make a decision. I wonder, if/when the fog clears, how do you lay a new foundation of trust in the age of smartphones and computers? I am moving on and focusing on my self. I didnt think I was being needy at all, but after reading somethings I see that thats exactly how ive been. Different than now? I dont even know why I started it. Exactly. You are very smart. If you want to work at a paid job to build your own financial independence then your H must agree to it. He wouldnt show me his phone but said hes absolutely not speaking to her and hasnt in almost a month. And they looked like fools. If he declines to discuss honestly, refuses MC and will not try to compromise, then you will soon realize you have nothing to work with. WTF!! You can co-parent and be the two best parents not living together IF IT COMES TO THAT. Stop focusing on the M. Just know you will be prepared down the road for whatever happens. Do you think it is possible to commit fully to this 180, while he is living here, and he will see it and maybe open his eyes? All of my actions have done nothing to move her away from the AP. But he never made any of this clear to me until AFTER the A and him telling me he wasnt in love with me anymore, then changing his mind 2 days later, then changing his mind a few days later, over and over and over until 2 months later I realized he was having the A all along and I had no idea about it. I do think he is in communication with her though and im honestly afraid to know for sure bc I know what it feels like to see it with my own eyes in his phone, and I dont want to do that to myself again. God forbid he EVER show me his phone or prove himself. It was like I was the one real real real thing in his life. BUT if he chooses to lie then the conversation is over. We had sex almost every single day, but for one serious shower day, when She could stay clean for 24 hours at least during the week. You have told him to leave but yet he does not. You tell him you know he is lying and that you are expecting this conversation to be honest and truthful. We were fine. His addiction. Regardless, keep focusing on yourself and your kids. I am not sure how this works. He eventually cut her off and I went back to him (well after falling off the deep end, booze drugs, sex and even tried out a relationship). When this all started happening, I was SERIOUSLY concerned he was doing drugs. I played along b/c I had no $ to my name. She is such a good person he would say to me. K. You are doing fine!!! That was 20 years ago. However it is difficult to reason or make progress while the fog and/or affair continues. At first we decided he would stay there but soon after he said he felt like if he did that, we would jump right back into where we were in our relationship and nothing would be fixed. Which is that fair? Not true, not valid and not acceptable. Im sorry you are hurting and yes its now 7 years and we are happily reconciled. And sooner or later you will decide what you choose to do. I outed his whores on their Facebook pages I had nothing to hide or lie about funny they shut down their pages as if that changed what they did or how nasty they were to me . QUESTION? You are absolutely right. She was 23 at the start of their relationship, the same year I celebrated my 50th birthday, so I get you on the 20 something part too. And I left the room. I was dating an highly ranked law enforcement figure and things were not adding up so I researched and found out he was happily married the whole time. Start disengaging that may make his head spin around. You acknowledge when he is lying to you. Further damage is done by having to struggle through getting the truth. My husband was always extremely faithful, and during my pregnancy he took a job in another city and would come home on weekends, etc. But acted as if we were so good and wonderful. Respond only if you have to. The ONLY time I saw any effort from him was when I kicked him out a few weeks ago and he became extremely scared. Tell him your communication efforts are not working and you feel you need help resolving the differences and making things better in the future. I looked after their needs while they were younger but he is their dad and he was involved in their lives. But if they dont want it to end them the CS will find fine way to continue the A. Probably my fault, I led him on somehow. Im already seeing a lot of similarities between what he says and what is happening in our lives. Saying we wont ever be able to move past this unless I magically wake up and see that im this controlling person who didnt appreciate him, etc. But my prior post to you was he wants a M on his terms only. I have been begging her to stop contacting him and give me a chance to show her i can be the one she fell in love with. I didnt respond, and I continued driving, just listening to music, thinking. But my suggestions are to get you out from dealing with his choices that undermine the M and disrespect you. I cant wrap my head around it all still. I dont understand how I can still love someone this deeply after all of these things and how angry I am every single day. They dont want our help (or anyone elses help). You have heard all the same stuff we all have. And now I feel like hes just gone to work and is thinking gosh shes so miserable. But the minute I pull away, he gets a little scared. It is not new behavior. We laugh, we talk about normal things. Even if he isnt speaking to the OW, his head is still fogged FOR SURE with what he wants for his life. Not trying to change a situation or behavior. Then he texted me and said he would be out of the house asap and said so you dont think im fit to be a part of the babys life?.and when he says things like this I dont understand bc I never said that. I have recently went through a very similar experience (but caught the messages much earlier) and left my SO. You agree to his lifestyle he comes and goes when he pleases, you dont ask questions, he hangs out in the bars without telling you, he comes home and sleeps on the couch at whatever time he chooses and you are there with never a question or doubt if he is cheating. Its all hes BEEN doing, so why do I still always give him the benefit of the doubt as if he is above it. since I had no proof back then that anything happened and he denied it I had to accept it. The thrill of the affair envelopes the wayward partner in good feelings, and the excitement can be overwhelming. But hes not interested (right now). There is nothing you can do to change his mind. And that week he just seemed to be so distraught, texting me non stop, telling me how scared he was about everything, how hes not ready to divorce, etc. When we started dating I was madly in love with him. It helped to re-establish a bond that we had and intimacy and kick-started our relationship again and our friendship. They are blinded by the reality of who the other man or woman really is. She is not worth it. Think of it this way. He made that choice. It is not about control. But im kind of in the same boat right now. He changed. But it may not impact him to change anything. After going through months and months of the fog, a lot of times, its just too much pain. There is a saying the best thing a father can do for his daughter, is to love and respect her mother and obviously even at her young age she senses tension. You cannot make people wNt something.
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